Writing by Lilly Katherine Grier

2003-03-26T14:25:00.000-08:00

Truth

Welcome to the world of truth. Truth…it will haunt you, curse your soul, torment you, twist your mind, disrupt your sleep, or free you. Truth is what you make it. It is who you are, how you live, what you do. The torment it gives you was brought on by yourself. If you lie and try to hide from it, truth will find you. It will always win in the end, and you will be left twisted and destroyed. Use it wisely, and it will save you. Avoid lies, follow your heart, and your sleep will be restful, your dreams beautiful.
Truth can set you free or torment you beyond your wildest dreams. What you hide, kept deep down, hidden from the world and everyone around you, is truth. You shield it and protect it, you don’t lie, just hide. What lies there, deep down, is the part of truth that will set you free. Your soul will fly, your mind soar, your heartbreak disappear. Your eyes will shine, your smile widen, what was once locked away from light was the key to your peace.
Truth will take revenge. It does not like liars, haters, thieves, or those who cause harm. These are the people truth seek out simply to destroy. They will try to save themselves, to no avail. The lies that have been woven throughout their lives will be sought out by the truth. The lies will be unmasked and revealed; people will see the truth for what it is and scorn the lies. The liar will be left with their own torment, in their own prison, by those who were lied to. Truth will surround them, be right before their eyes, but the liars will simply turn to what they know, lies. Finally, truth will have its day. The liars will have nothing left; no love, no faith, no hope, no dreams, not even peaceful sleep.
Sometimes the liars do not see themselves for what they are, but they can feel it, they know what is there, they only have yet to recognize it. They may attempt to seek out the truth, but truth can never be seen by those who abuse it, mock it, and try to silence it. Truth will send them delusions, and that’s all the liar’s lives will become, delusions.
Use truth wisely, do not lie. Or it will find you, torment you, destroy you, and leave you wondering what could have been, might have been, had you faced it.

2003-03-26T14:24:00.001-08:00

What happens when there just aren’t anymore words to say? When everything has been said, there simply isn’t anything left? That’s when things end. Once you just can’t think of anything else you really have to say, can’t imagine ever having anything that needs to be said, things end. Everything becomes pointless and blank. Words are said just to say something, or they are simply words from the past repeated. Maybe there are things that need to be said, but for some reason you just can’t say them. Those are the words that could save you, but they are hidden too deep, and there isn’t anyone there to really hear them anyway. Things become pointless. There really is no future, no present, only past. Old thoughts, old words, old memories, old lives. Everything from a time long ago that can no longer be reached no matter how hard you try. You begin to think of all that was lost, all that you will lose if you continue this life. Sometimes it’s better to just go, then you won’t have to worry what will happen when things change, when you lose everything that’s dear to you. There’s really just nothing left to say. It seems as though life has been lived, and all you can think of is what is gone, and what will be gone some day if you stick around. You don’t want to deal with that, so you end it. You stop talking. You lock up. You hide what is really going on. Anything that is left to be said you hide so well you just can’t say it, so there is no way to save you. Life’s over. Everything’s over. All the words, ideas, thoughts, were said, written, or thought. It’s all gone. And now you, too, will be gone with them.

2003-03-26T14:24:00.000-08:00

Inside Her Dream…

Time means nothing when you live in a dream, and a dream is where she lives…

The dream where she lived was cold, dark, and lonely. There never seemed to be any light. Every now and then she would think she saw some and go towards it, only to fall back farther into the dream. Sometimes she would think she had found a way out, that she had finally woken up, to find soon after that she hadn’t; it was simply a dream in a dream and she was still caught.
Life was interesting from inside a dream. It was easy to see outside of it at life, as it should be. She lived as if a window had been put up between her and everyone else, between her and life. The window couldn’t really be seen, and couldn’t even be cracked. It was there to stay it seemed, part of the dream, part of what was her life.
She liked to watch the people on the other side of the window. How they lived their lives and even managed to be happy overall fascinated her. They had people who cared about and loved them and didn’t seem to feel alone. There were a few who seemed to be stuck inside a dream as she was, but those people scared her. She was afraid they would make her worse and trap her even more, so she avoided them. Interaction with people outside of the dream was possible, but that window was still there. So mostly she just watched and wished she could be on the other side.
Delusions took over the dream at times. Things became even worse then the usual looking out the window dream when this happened. That’s when she couldn’t take being locked away from everyone else and everything, and her mind began to fight back. The question of whether or not pain could be felt anymore was acted upon. Those who she did have contact with from the other side were pushed away. She was fighting, but fighting against herself even though she was trying to fight against the dream. She was never meant to win it, it was only a matter of time before she ended it; the consolation prize, a prize of not happiness and life, but death and darkness. But for her, anything was better then this dream and looking out a window.

Delusions and illusions…. That’s all this is. This story is an illusion, it means nothing, says nothing, in fact, it may not even exist. It may simply be part of your own dream at a point when you are starting to fight it, and yourself. Will you win the fight? Or will you too take the consolation prize? It’s up to you. Remember, time means nothing but pain when you live in a dream….

2003-03-26T14:22:00.000-08:00

PAST
Boxes, papers, pictures, and every other memory from her life lay around her feet. This was her life, her memories. All these things represented something important to her; something she had lost, and as she thought of this she began to cry. So many things had changed and she just couldn’t deal with it anymore. Her life was a mess and she no longer knew how to sort it out. She was simply leaving all the old behind, and moving on to the new. Trying to build a new life; a new her. The goal was to become someone else, someone different. Someone who didn’t have this past, or at least was no longer affected by it. Her memories had began to change. Less and less did she remember the bad, she simply blocked it out and either remembered the good or nothing at all. Not that it mattered, she wanted to lose all of it; good, bad, neutral, and anything else. Some things she couldn’t get rid of easily, like her immediate family. But relatives were no longer really part of her life. They were in the past, something she had long ago left behind. Things that were not too much imbedded into her past, that she could change, make new, forget about the old, she kept. But even these things, these people, were kept at a distance. The new people in her life she hid from. They were never to know about her past, and who she still, at times, could be. Never would they be let in as close as the people from her past had been. At first she hadn’t meant to get rid of things and to back away from people, but she began to more and more. Soon she had walked so far away from the people that meant so much that she no longer knew how to walk back. All that she felt was kept locked deep inside; tearing her apart, killing her, waiting for the time where it just couldn’t be held in any more and disaster would strike. Her life was given a time frame: anything that had been around for more than a year, or was too attached to the past, was buried, hidden, and forgotten about. She would do anything to just make it all go away. Every now and then things came back to her, but she’d bury it as quickly as possible. Her life was new, she was beginning again. Some things she had to carry over, even though she didn’t want to. These were the things that threatened destruction at the next turn. These were feelings, thoughts, emotions, reactions, that had destroyed her past. She kept them hidden as much as she could, no one in the new life new about them, and those that had known were told it was gone. Her acting skills became better; no one ever knew, even those from her past. Sometimes she’d let someone in, but never much, and never far enough to keep her from destruction. She was falling apart, dying inside, while at the same time trying to start over and building everything new.
Slowly she looked around her. These were the things of her past life; the memories, the feelings, the thoughts, everything. As the tears fell down her face she walked to the door. She turned around one last time, then shut off the door and walked out, never looking back again. That life, that person, was gone. She didn’t know who she was anymore, but she was going to find it. She was going to make her life better, hide everything, change everything, or die trying. She walked away from that room, from everything in it, and started her act.

2003-03-26T14:21:00.000-08:00

Beginning
Of the End

Every day she went about her “normal” life. Going to work, coming home, talking to friends, hanging out. Just normal everyday things. But she and her life were far from normal.
For years now her life had been a living hell. In her mind, people never really liked her. Yeah, they make talk to her or whatever. But when it came down to it, they really didn’t care. She was one who would be there for people no matter what. Unfortunately, she didn’t have anyone like this in her life. Most people just let her pass in and out of their lives, never really caring or wanting her there. She just was. Then there were the people who very obviously did not want her there. They said as much, or simply ignored her and left her out. She never knew which hurt more, the ones who just let her be there, or the ones who told her the flat out truth.
She knew what she thought of herself. Other people might argue, but so many agreed that she just couldn’t believe otherwise anymore. She knew she was a selfish person at heart, who didn’t care about anyone and just messed things up. A real lost cause. It was obvious to her that she would never really do anything with her life. She never got far without something going wrong. Even if she did make it, she’d be alone. Everyone would walk away from her, and there never would be any family of her own. Alone…that’s something that frightened her so much. She wished someone would really care about her. Would be different then all the rest. No one ever was. People walking away from her, losing them…that was something she couldn’t ever deal with and that struck fear deep into her heart.
Everything in her life got so messed up. It seemed everything she did was wrong, or simply not good enough. She made it through some things that went wrong, which was great. Only she was the one who had caused them to go wrong. She’d get so far. And then end up back at the beginning. With all this stuff going on, the people, the events in her life, she finally gave up. Realization that it was pointless hit her hard. Every now and then she’d struggle to find meaning again. But she never did.
Each day at that job she thought of how she could be doing better had she not messed things up so bad. Dreams of what never could or would be clouded her head. Fears of what she would return to almost sent her to tears. She was afraid of people. Afraid they would turn against her, hurt her. Sometimes things they said made her want to cry. They probably didn’t mean it. They probably didn’t even realize they had upset her. But they still did it, and she still held in the tears. She feared people yelling at her. Whenever she heard a certain tone of voice she’d simply back down and do almost anything to make it stop. She’d tense up, about to cry, and back away, into herself. Sometimes when this happened she got so upset she couldn’t take it. She would stand up for herself too much; do anything to try to get her point across. She never did. People got more confused. Turned on her even more. Never could she understand why this happened when she tried so hard. It got to the point that when things went wrong she felt no remorse. She could easily block someone out of her life. Yet, deep down, she had not really blocked them out. They were still hurting her. Still making her hurt so much inside. Each time something happened she got more afraid. People she knew would not hurt her, at least not on purpose, were the ones that scared her the most, the ones who could easily make her cry with their tone of voice or a simple comment. These people were the ones she was most afraid of losing, who for that reason held the most power to hurt her. Even with all this going on inside her, she managed to hide. Rarely did people know what they were really doing to her, and never would she tell them, for fear of being ridiculed, being upset even more, or the worst, them leaving her.
Almost anything would be done to hide from people. Acting became a daily thing. Something second nature. Hide everything inside, laugh, and smile. Don’t tell people what’s really going on, they’ll leave you, hurt you, and make you cry. Let them do what they want. You’re the one that’s wrong. You’re the horrible one. Don’t do anything to upset anyone. Go along with it. You’ll just get hurt. When you do stand up for yourself, you make things worse. You let your emotions take control, the fight to make others understand take over. You mess up even more. Pulling away from people. That was the only way to keep them at all. But you’ll still lose them. It’s a fight that’s not worth fighting. Sometimes she thought it would just be better for her to walk away. Maybe she would be hurt less and would not hurt them anymore. But she couldn’t do it.
She was one who could easily hurt people. Make them shake their heads at what she had done. Make them ashamed of her. Make them feel helpless because of her stupidity. When she did open up and tell people things she later regretted it. It became so hard for her to do. Because she was only upsetting them, making them want her to go away, making them pull away. After awhile she began to think they thought she was faking, making things up. That she was hopeless. A simple change in their tone of voice hurt more then any slap could ever do. No one hit her anymore. But their voices hit deeper then any hands ever had. And more people hit her this way then had slapped her before. She gave people the power to ruin her, and they did.
The power to destroy her was something she also used against herself. She could hurt herself as much as others did, she believed what they said. Let them hurt her. No longer did she really feel she was alive. She was dead inside, only feeling pain. Locking herself up. Sometimes she’d cause herself physical pain, just to know she was still really alive. It wasn’t so bad really, she still bled. So she was alive even if she wasn’t living.
It wasn’t a secret that she was losing everyone around her because she was pulling away, and because they just didn’t’ know what to do anymore. People backed off. Stopped asking, stopped listening. She figured it was because they thought she was simply trying to get attention and would never do anything, or because they had simply given up on her and were waiting for her to just get it over with. These were the people who never told her flat out, who never completely ignored her. But they were starting to. She could see it. She wasn’t blind. It bothered her that she would never really be able to tell them how much they meant to her, despite her knowing how they really felt. Just them not telling her off, even though she deserved it, meant so much to her. They had even tried to help. God only knew why, but they had. They had kept her around for longer then she had ever intended. But even that was coming to a close. Little was stopping her anymore.
She began to wish she had ended things many years ago, when the pain had first started. Thoughts of how things would only get worse, not better, clouded her mind. She was not the normal, happy, friendly person people at work and some of her friends thought she was. Nor was she the slightly off kilter, strong person who other friends thought would get through it. She wasn’t even the complete mental case her family believed her to be. She was lost, someone who had given up and was simply looking for an easy way out; someone trying to make her end easier for those around her, because despite what their true feelings may be, anyone’s death affects people. Even her would. After people die thoughts change along with feelings. Less of the bad of that person is seen and more good. So she knew people would cry.
Nothing kept her grounded anymore. Whatever was there before was now gone. Many times she lost it. Screaming and fighting, simply trying to be heard. The thoughts in her head varied so much. She began to think that perhaps she was lying, but if it was a lie, wouldn’t she be able to stop? She would do anything to just make things stop. So how could it be a lie?
Who she really was was a mystery. Her thoughts, her feelings, things of confusion. She was crying out for help one last time. Only there was no one to hear her. What was to become of her? She was so lost. Most likely, she would never be found. She held onto one last hope, a hope that the end would not be as bad as the life. Soon she would find out if she would get even that one hope. Soon, she would be gone. And all this would be meaningless, a story and a life lost in time. The story of someone who was so lost the light could no longer be seen, and so the darkness was embraced.

2003-03-26T14:13:00.001-08:00

Serendipity
Fall is such a wonderful time of year. The heat of summer begins to cool. The leaves change to brilliant colors of red, brown and orange. Days begin to grow shorter and fireplaces begin to fill with the smoke of warm homey fires. Children head back to school with new pencils and new notebooks, ready to learn. They greet teachers eager to fill their minds with knowledge. Scents of fall fill the air; pumpkin pie, dry leaves, crisp air, and so many things that can’t be identified except by being the scents of fall.
To many people spring is a time of renewal, a time to start over. Not for Jillian Carson, to her the time of rebirth was fall. This fall she planned to travel along the coast of the New England states painting. Art was her life and she was well known for her talent. At twenty-seven her entire life was dedicated to her work. Every time she got an idea for a new theme she would follow her heart until she found the perfect place to paint it. Jillian had seen the United States and Europe at all times of year. Still her favorite remained the New England coast in fall, and that’s where her heart was taking her once again.
After throwing her paints, canvases and packed suitcases into the back of her car she headed up the coast. Just before she left she remembered to grab her cell phone. People were never sure where she would be so the only way they could reach her was through that phone, provided she remembered to turn it on. After driving for days she finally reached the shores of Maine. Dusk had just started to set in and the lighthouse in front of her was lit. Jillian parked the car, grabbed her paints and a canvas and set up shop. For the next four hours he concentration was unbroken. The world was simply her canvas and the scene in front of her. Slowly a lighthouse along the coast with rolling, crashing waves at dusk began to emerge onto the canvas. Crowing seagulls flew above her head and above the water in her painting. When she was finished it was as if you could walk into the scene and be where Jillian had been. While she was working, she heard her cell phone start playing it’s tune of “Ode to Joy” from her backpack. She ignored it and kept painting, as she usually did.
************************************************************************
Across the country in Washington State…
“Hi this is Jilly! I can’t, or most likely won’t, answer your call right now but if you’ll leave a voice message after the beep, I’ll get back to you when I can.”
“Hi Jilly. This is Rose. I just wanted to say hi. Well, I have to go. Bye.”
Rose put the phone back on it’s cradle, and opened the bottle of pills. She had hoped Jillian would answer. But Jillian, like everyone else, had much better things to be doing. Things that never involved her.

Nine years earlier….
Jillian heard a knock at her door. This wasn’t something that happened often, even though she was in a dorm full of people. Puzzled, she went over to answer it.
“Hi Jillian. I wanted to talk to you about something. Mind if I come in?”
Jillian stepped away from the door and let her in. The first thing Rose saw were the pills. Her eyes scanned over them then looked into Jillian’s.
“ I was right. You are suicidal. Jillian, you can’t do this. It’s not the answer. No matter what is going on, please don’t do it. I’ve noticed you hide in your room; I’ve also seen the cuts on your arms you try to hide. I’m not stupid. I know what’s going on. It’s not hard to tell you have depression. I want to help you. Please, just talk to me.”
Jillian was taken aback. Never before had someone confronted her and offered to help. Now here was someone she had met only two months before, asking her to tell them everything. She was cautious, but she also figured at this point there was nothing to lose. Rose would either say she was nuts and leave, or tell her to stop her antics.
“You want the whole story? Fine. I have clinical depression. I’ve never really had any friends. People just treat me like shit, figure I’m nuts, and leave me alone. The friends I have had hang around for a bit, then either move on to tell people to stay away from me, or they tear me down even more. When I get really depressed, I cut myself. Deep bloody gashes all over my arm, like the one’s you’ve seen. I’ve been from doctor to doctor, obviously, it’s never done any good. Now, I’m just sick and tired of it all. I’m sick of being Crazy Jilly, I’m sick of being alone, and I’m going to end the whole thing. I’ve got a whole pharmacy of pills I can take. Anything to get rid of all the pain I feel inside. I thought things would change once I came to college. They didn’t. I still don’t have friends, I’m still fucked up. That’s the ugly truth.”
Never before had she told someone things so bluntly or so flat out. She looked at Rose with tears in her eyes, expecting to see a face of distain or mockery. She saw neither. All she saw was a face of caring and concern, and what looked like understanding. Even more surprising, Rose reached out and gave her a hug.
“I can’t believe people are like that. That’s awful. What you have gone through…I would be dead already. I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to prove I’m not like those other people, that I really do care, and I won’t go away. Tonight I’m staying here with you. I want you to promise me you will give me two weeks to prove myself, to try to help you. In those two weeks you can’t try to kill yourself. You can tell me anything, and I’ll be here for you. If after two weeks you can’t trust me, well then…”
Jillian just looked at Rose then began crying even more. She accepted the offer, figuring what’s two weeks? After Rose told other people or made fun of her she would have even more reason to die. That night they cleaned up all the pills then went to sleep, with Rose camped out on the floor, refusing to leave despite Jillian saying it was all right for her to.

Eight years earlier…
“Hey! Jilly! I’m home! I picked up your pills from the pharmacy” Rose walked in the door of their apartment and threw her backpack on the floor and set the pill bottle on the table. Jillian walked in and made a beeline for the pill bottle.
“Thanks. I haven’t taken one yet today, and I need to. Good ole Prozac keeps ya sane!” she laughed as she chased two of the pills with a glass of water.
“Well, it’s better then being crazy and dead. Besides, the doctor is lowering your dose and you’ll be off em for good soon.”
“Yep. No more Crazy Jilly for me!! How did your test go today?”
“Good. I’m getting an A in that class, easy. Along with all the others. And people say pre-law is hard! I’ll be a lawyer in no time!”
Jillian laughed. “A lawyer and a painter. Odd pair of friends we make. Just imagine…a few years from now, I’ll be traveling all over painting, and you’ll be working for some fancy smancy law firm getting paid up the wahzoo for your wonderful legal abilities. It’ll be great. Both of us in Boston, meeting for drinks every night…”
“And of course all the parties. Speaking of which, we better start getting ready for tonight’s or we’re gonna be late.”
“Like you’re ever NOT late?” Jillian mocked her.
Rose dropped the text book she’d been flipping through and went over and messed up Jillian’s hair.
“Ha! Now we’ll be late cause of you this time!! It’ll take you hours to fix the mess I just made of your hair!!” She laughed.

Five years earlier….
“I can’t believe I’m getting married!!” Rose shrieked. She and Jillian were standing in the back room of the church putting the final touches on their hair and make-up.
“Neither can I. Who would have thought four years ago that you’d end up being my best friend, and I’d be Maid of Honor at your wedding?”
“Yeah, well we both know things change. My walking in that night was serendipity.”
“There you go was that stupid word! Dane is going to get so sick of hearing you say it over and over. Just watch, you’ll name your first kid Serendipity. Then Dane will divorice you and you’ll have to move back into the apartment with me. And you know how much you hate having to trip over all my paints and canvases.”
“Blah blah blah. Dane will not divorice me. You’re just jealous. I’m getting married, while you’re still single.”
“I’m not jealous!” Jillian laughed. “I’m living out my dream. Traveling all over the country painting. I still can’t believe that you’ve decided to give up on law school. Just because you’re getting married doesn’t mean you have to give up your life.”
Jillian didn’t notice the look that passed over Rose’s face. Had she, she would have regretted her choice of words.
“Yes, well. I’m happy. You’re happy. That’s what matters right? Friends for life. Always there for eachother, saving the other from stupid situations. Like that time you drank too much and gave out your phone number to every guy in the bar? Who dragged you home and had our number change to unlisted?”
“Yeah yeah yeah. We better get going. The music’s starting. Don’t want to be late for your own wedding like you’re late for everything else now would you?” Jillian laughed.
“I am not late!! As long as you’re there to remind me what time it is” Rose responded.
The girls picked up their flowers and started heaing for the door. Just before they walked out, Rose gave Jillian a hug.
“I am so glad things have worked out for you and that you’re passed all that bad stuff now. Today wouldn’t have been the same without you,” Jillian smiled back at her, and headed out.

Four years earlier…
“You’re doing WHAT??? You CAN’T move to Washington!! That’s too far away! I’ll never see you! Put Dane on the phone. I’ll tell him that he’s lost his friggin mind. Because he has. Dragging you all the way across the country, away from your family and friends. It’s not right.”
“Jillian, I’m moving to Washington. That’s it. Besides, you’re hardly ever here in Boston. You’re always galavanting around the country painting pictures. You rarely call. Your excuse for that? You’re living your dream. Well, fine. I’m okay with that. But don’t yell at me for moving to Washington state. This is what I want” Rose yelled back. She heard Jillian sigh on the other end of the phone.
“I’m sorry Rose, really I am. I’m sure you and Dane will love Washington. And I’ll come and visit you. I promise. Especially after the baby’s born. If it’s a girl you had better name her after me!”
“Sure I will. I can’t believe we’re going so soon though. I told Dane that two weeks isn’t enough time, but he says the firm wants him out there pronto. I’m really going to miss you. Guess I’ll just have to remember all those good times in college to keep me going.”
“Good times in college? What about the good times now? Come on, Rose. College wasn’t THAT great. I spent half of it depressed. The only reason I’m even still alive is because you pulled me through. The good times are now. Living out our dreams. Out on our own.”
Rose’s face began to fall. Jillian sure did have a different view of how things were now. “Sure. You’re right. Besides, we’ll still keep in touch. You’re my girl, my best friend for life. I know you’d always be there if I ever needed you and”
Jillian cut her off. “Oh I have to go! My plane leaves in an hour and I’m not packed yet. Off to Texas for some good ole southern landscapes. Call me when you get to Washington, okay? Love ya byes.”
Rose sunk down into the chair next to the phone. She hadn’t even had a chance to say goodbye before she heard the click letting her know that the connection was gone. Tears began to fall from her eyes. It was amazing how much things could turn around in a few years.

Two and a half years earlier….
“I know I said I’d be there when the baby was born, but I really couldn’t make it. The dealer moved up the deadline on these paintings, and if I don’t have a full set of paintings of the Florida coast by next week, I’m not getting paid and I just wasted two months for nothing.”
“I understand Jillian. It’s okay. Really it is.”
“Dane will be there soon, right? You said you called his hotel in London and left a message, what? Two hours ago? He probably left already.”
Rose sat staring out the window, holding baby Jillian for a few moments before she answered. “Yeah. You’re probably right. He probably left without calling first. I’m sure he’ll walk in the door any minute. I know he feels bad about not being here. But the new job is really demanding. He hasn’t been home much since we moved here. Not really much difference from when we lived in Boston though. Now he’s just out of state instead of at the office all the time.”
“I’m really sorry Rose. That’s gotta be hard. Listen, once I get this show done, I’ll come and see you and little Jilly ok? And remember, we’re happy. That’s what matters. It’s what we’ve spent years trying to achieve.”
Rose hung her head, and a tear fell on little Jilly’s face. “Right. You’re right Jillian. We are happy right? Living out our dreams, right? You’re painting and traveling the country and I’m”
“I gotta go Rose. Phone dying. Give little Jilly my love. Talk to you later! Congrats!”
“and I’m living in a state far away from my friends and family, my husband is never home, I never see and rarely talk to my best friend, and now I’m going to be going home to an empty house to take care of a baby all by myself, except for the one day a month when my husband my decide to help. You have your dream. You’re happy. My dream? Gone. I wanted to be a lawyer. That never happened did it? I decided to get married instead” Rose said tearfully to a dead phone line. She reached over and hung up the phone, a tear sliding down her face as she held little Jilly close to her.

Present day…

Seven hours after her phone had rung, Jillian stood starting out at the ocean, adding finishing touches to her painting. She’d managed to do a few sketches and finish a landscape painting that day. After adding a bit more blue to the sky, she packed her things and headed back to the hotel.
She sang along with the radio all the way back, and gave the doorman a big smile when he opened the doors for her. As she was crossing the lobby, she heard a voice calling her.
“Miss Carson? Miss Carson? Excuse me, Miss Carson?”
Jillian turned around to find a hesitant consierge standing behind her holding out a piece of paper.
“Miss Carson, an important call came for you while you were out, around 5 o’clock. I was told to deliver this to you as soon as you came in” he handed her the paper, which she accepted with a thank you and a smile. As she stood reading the note, her face began to crumple and tears began to fall onto the page.
“Jillian, Rose is dead. It happened around 3pm. Please come as quick as you can.
~Dane”
Suddenly, a thought hit her and she pulled her cell phone out of her bag. She called her voice mail service, and sure enough, it said “New message, 2pm” followed by Rose’s voice.
************************************************************************
Jillian awoke to the captain’s voice saying to prepare to land. Her sleep had been troubled, filled with memories of the past. After the plane landed she picked up her bags and rented a car. She vaguely remembered how to get to Rose’s house since she’d only visited her three times since the move, but she managed to find the house.
Tears filled Jillian’s eyes as she opened the car door and stepped out. When she knocked, Dane opened the door, little Jilly, now two years old, in his arms.
“Hi Jillian. I’m so glad you’re here. I’m sorry to have interrupted your trip but I had to…” Dane’s voice trailed off as he began to cry. He handed little Jilly into Jillian’s waiting arms. Jillian held the small child close, and waited a bit before answering Dane.
“I’m sorry Dane, I should have seen it. I should have known.”
“Jilly, it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. You of all people should know that. It’s just rather ironic…”
“How did it happen?”
“I found her when I came home from work. She had dropped Little Jilly off at the baby-sitter’s house in the morning, supposedly so she could go shopping. She never went shopping. She came home and took three bottles of pills then cut her wrists. I found her in our room. She’d been gone for hours. I had noticed she seemed more depressed lately, but I never thought she would do anything. She’d been thinking about the past so much lately, regretting so many things. She just didn’t seem happy anymore. But I never thought…If I had known…”
“I understand. She had me fooled, too. I hadn’t talked to her in awhile because I got so busy with my painting, but the last time I talked to her, about a month ago, she did seem depressed. She was talking about how I was so lucky to be following my dream. How I had overcome so much and was so happy. She said she wished she had followed her dream of becoming a lawyer, that she loved you and Little Jllly, but her life just seemed empty. She said all she had to do all day was take care of little Jilly, that she had no one around to talk to. I laughed at her, said she was silly, that she had you and a lovely big house. I never thought she had depression. I never thought she would kill herself. Rose was always the strong one, the one I could count on, who helped me through so much. She had always told me dying young wasn’t a gift but a curse and to live as long as I could. Then she goes and kills herself years later. I always thought I would be the one, but then I got better. Rose, I never would have thought. I should have picked up the phone when I heard it ring. I should have visited more. I shouldn’t have cut myself off from everything.”

Rose’s funeral was a few days later. Jillian had read her suicide note, it had been simple, telling everyone she loved them but her life was just too empty. She thought she wasn’t a good mother, and since little Jilly was only two, she wouldn’t remember. Dane could remarry and she would have a new mother. Everything would be okay. To Jillian she has said not to let her death drag Jillian back into depression. She finally had the life she had wanted, had worked so hard for, and Rose didn’t want her to give that up. Rose said she knew it was hard to lose your best friend; they had been through so much together. She also mentioned what everyone else had; wasn’t it odd that in the end Rose was the one to kill herself? She had helped Jillian through so much, then had done it herself.
Jillian spoke at the funeral.
“Rose and I have been best friends for years. Serendipity some might say…She saved my life years ago, on a night where I almost killed myself. She had shown up at my door just as I was about to. Then I had heard her knock at the door, and my life changed from there. In a twist of serendipity, she was the one to actually go through with it years later, the same way I was going to do it. We will never understand why. Rose was a good person. The first real friend I ever had. I will always wish she had called me, had told me. I would have tried to help her just as she helped me. I never had that chance. In the end, I failed Rose. I wasn’t there for her like she was there for me. Everyone is effected greatly by Rose’s death. Some of us may even think of doing the same thing she did, simply ending it. When we have trouble in our lives, and think the pain is too great, we will look back on Rose’s life, and her death. Hopefully, we will all be able to see what she wanted us to, but she herself couldn’t see. Hopefully, we will all see how much she loved us and wanted us to live. Whenever we had trouble she would be right there to help us, telling us thing will get better, to simply hold on. To choose life no matter what. Rose herself didn’t. But we should all learn from her mistake. We should all look around us and see what was lost, how pointless it was, then ourselves be able to do what she can’t and couldn’t do, live. Never forget Rose, and never forget what she has taught us. I’ll miss you Rose, and I’ll never forget you. I’ll try to help others just as you helped me, I just hope I don’t fail with them as I did with you.”

A week after the funeral…
“So what are you going to do now? Go back to Maine and finish your painting?” Dane asked Jillian as she packed up the last of her things and prepared to leave.
“No, actually I think I’m going to go back to Boston. I’ve done enough traveling. I can set up a gallery there, and show off other people’s work.”
“What about your own work? You love that stuff. Rose wouldn’t want you to give it up. Or to get depressed again.”
“I’m not depressed, Dane. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine. I just…I guess I’m finally realizing how cut off from things I’ve been. If I missed everything that was going on with Rose, which must have been going on for years, what else am I missing? I travel around painting…but I don’t really have anyone in my life. I cut them out long ago. So…I’m going to try things a different way now. Actually be there for people. Rose was there for me, but I was never there for her. I’m not going to let that happen again. If this new plan doesn’t work, I can always go back to traveling full time. I just want a real life now…one where I’m not alone.”

One year later….
“Dane! What are you doing here? Peggy, would you mind going to get some tea? And cancel my next appointment. Come in, come in. Sit down. Hi little Jilly!! How are you sweetie?? I haven’t seen you in two months!!” Jillian exclaimed as she picked up the little girl, who giggled and hugged her back tightly.
“Hey, Jilly,” Dane ran his hand through his hair and sighed, “ I have to ask you a favor.”
Jillian set little Jilly down and looked at Dane, “Sure. What is it? I thought I was going to see you guys next month….the usual every three months visit…there isn’t anything wrong is there?”
“No, well kind of. Not really. It’s just that the firm is sending me out to Russia for five years or so, and I have to leave in two weeks. I was wondering if you would take little Jilly for me…Maggie isn’t too big on kids, and I’m always traveling…I’d probably ask you even if I wasn’t going to Russia. My parents are too old to look after her, and Maggie isn’t going to make that good of a mother for her…I know Rose would want you to have her. You two were always so close” Dane looked around the room, hands in his pockets, refusing to look Jillian in the eyes.
Had he looked at her, he would have seen the flash of anger and hate in her eyes. “You bastard. You’re going to just leave your daughter? If Maggie’s not going to make a good mother, then why marry her? Jilly should be more important then any woman. Not to mention that Rose was dead not even three months before you dragged Maggie into the picture. I can’t believe you. You were never there for Rose when you two were married. You said you loved her, yet you were never there. You moved her across the country, away from everyone she knew, and spent most of the year traveling. Then she kills herself. That should have woken you up. But it didn’t, obviously. Because now you’re ditching your daughter, moving out of the country, and marrying some floozy. I can’t believe you!” Jillian raged.
“Yeah well, you were no saint. You hardly ever visited Rose once we moved. You rarely if ever called. You left her alone as much as I did.”
“Yes. I did. But I realized that. Too late unfortunetly, but now I’m making up for it. I visit little Jilly all the time. And I also learned from it. I’ve settled down. I love this gallery, I don’t travel all the time, I paint scenes here and travel when the mood strikes me. I can show my work here, paint, but also have a family. I’m getting married soon. You however, didn’t learn a thing. You never deserved Rose and you sure as hell don’t deserve little Jilly. I’ll take her. Rob loves kids, he won’t mind. I want you to sign papers though. I want you to let us adopt her. I won’t have you coming back here a few years from now, trying to take her back.”
“Fine. No problem. I’ll sign whatever you want me to, as long as this is settled before I leave in two weeks. I have Jilly’s things in the car. Where should I put them?”
“You are horrible. Take her things over to my house. Rob is home today, he’ll let you in. I’ll call and let him know you’re coming. I’m going to take Jilly to the park. Say good bye to her now. Also leave the name of your hotel. I’ll have my lawyer draw up the papers and I’ll send them to you there. It will take a few days, and you better not skip out before then.”
“Fine.”
Dane gave little Jilly a quick hug, then left.
“Well Rose, “Jillian sighed as she hung up the phone after letting Rob know what was going on, “there’s one person who learned nothing from your death. I just hope I’ve made you proud.” She turned around, picked up little Jilly, told Peggy she’d be back later, and headed for the park.
************************************************************************
Fifteen years later…
Jillian stood looking at her friend’s gravestone. She came here once a year, on the anniversary of her death.
“Hey Rose. I really miss you. My daughter Rose is 14 now. Little Jilly isn’t so little anymore. Funny…she’s now the age we were when we met. She and Rose are about as close as you and I were. Jilly started at Boston College this fall, pre-law. You would be so proud of her. Rob and I have told her all about you. I wish you had called told me how you felt. I would have tried to help you. I wish I had picked up the phone that last day. I wish I had never let you marry Dane, that I hadn’t let us grow so far apart. I wish I had noticed how sad and lonely you had gotten. I should have seen it, I’d been through it myself. Damn it Rose, why did you do that? You told me to live, you helped me, then you turn around and kill yourself. Do you know how hard it was for me to lose my best friend? Or did it not matter to you? Did you think it through before you took all those pills and slashed your wrists? You made me believe life is worth living no matter what, but you never believed that did you? You gave it all up. I would have helped you but you never told me. I miss you so much. I hope wherever you are you are happy, and are happy with the choice you made. You were a great person; you just made a wrong choice in the end. Despite all the pain, I do have to say thank you though. You made me realize how out of touch I had become, how self-centered. I had had depression for so long, and then once I got better, I simply forgot what I should have learned. It took you dying for things to really sink in. I hope your proud of me. I hope I’ve done right by your daughter, and some what made up for failing you. I better get going. Jilly will be by later, she said she wanted to come and talk to you alone. See you later.”
Somewhere, wherever she was, Rose heard her. She wished she could tell Jillian how she had made the wrong choice, how she regretted it. It just wasn’t possible. Rose was dead, and everything she had had was lost to her. She had missed out on her life. But she was glad her best friend was still alive, that years ago she had listened to Rose’s advice, and despite everything, she had lived.
As Jillian left Rose’s grave the wind picked up. She could almost swear she heard Rose’s voice…
“I’m sorry Jilly. I’m so sorry.”
A wave of sadness, so strong she could hardly bear it hit Jillian. She turned around to face the headstone one last time, and when she did she saw something that shocked her. The roses had turned from red to blue…Rose’s favorite color. Jillian then knew her friend was still with her. She knew Rose regretted what she had done, she only wished she could somehow help her friend, but death is final. There was no longer anyway to help her. Tears slid down Jillian’s face. She turned back around and headed home, to a life she would never give up, a life her dead friend had made possible.

2003-03-26T14:13:00.000-08:00

2003-01-26T02:09:00.000-08:00

TIME AND WISHES
By: Lilly Katherine Grier

Follow the story. Follow the dreams. Follow the hopes. Follow the faith. Follow the wishes. Don’t cry for the time that was lost…

The director called out for a cut. Lilly was pissed. She always got every scene in one take. Why the HELL was he calling for a cut? She whirled around and faced him.
“Josh, why are you cutting? This scene was perfect. Dayanera was leaving; the convo where she renounced her birthright was perfect. Lots of tears. The ghost of her mom hovering there, by the way, Nici, that was great. Sometimes I wish you really were my mom! The whole gang telling her if she leaves everything will be destroyed yada yada…I mean come on…what’s wrong with it?”
“Simple…I think we should go for the OTHER idea you came up with. The first version. Where Day was only talking to Dane, James, and Will. Will saying they should let you go, James saying the world will be destroyed, Dane telling you you can’t simply leave everything behind it will haunt you. Let’s try for that. It will be perfect. Then tomorrow we can do the scene where the tell the rest of the gang.”
“Ohhh really? Great. I liked that one sooo much better. But right now I really have to go. Brad and I have to fly to DC so we can meet with the president to talk about his visit to England. You know, when he comes they are going to be taking so many pictures of the kids and us. The press can be a real pain sometimes. Rose has to study for that test tonight too, for English. Opps sorry rambling. Anyway, you’re going to be losing Day and Dane right now cause we really have got to go.”
The plane ride was so tiring. Everyone saying your majesty this, your majesty that. No matter how many times Lilly and Brad told them simply to call them by their first names, or even Mr. and Mrs. Grier, people rarely listened. Something about being the king and queen of England did that to people.

“Will they ever miss me sometime? I’ll remember you. You will be there in my heart. I’ll remember you. That is all that I can do. But I’ll remember.” BEEP BEEP BEEP
Damn. Time to get up all ready. The stupid beeping and the music just didn’t mix. Slamming the alarm off, she dug around till she found the remote. This early in the morning more upbeat music was required. She flipped on some Aerosmith music, turning the stereo up louder. As she got ready for work she thought about what she might encounter there. Hopefully Meredith had not decided to cut herself on her visit again. That would set her back weeks. Amelia remembered that she had to take in more fake blood. That would keep Mer’s mind off the real thing for a bit.
At this point it was time for her to actually leave the house. The cat was fed, all the doors locked, her keys found. Sebalious didn’t seem too keen on her leaving. He kept meowing and trying to trip her. While grabbing the recently found keys in one hand, she picked him up with the other arm.
“Why are you being so vocal today? You know I’ll be back later. Don’t I always come back? Watch the birds and I’ll see you later.”
Her eyes then hit a shiny object on the counter. Knowing Seb could get hurt on it she quickly shoved it in one of the drawers, set him down, and walked out the door. She couldn’t help smiling when she saw her car. It wasn’t a GTO, but it was hers and it handled well. As she got in she turned on the CD player full blast. Not a good car without a good sound system, and her car had that all right.

The house was huge. She and her first husband had built it just after she started her acting career. The care that was put into designing it and the yard she would never forget. The memories were interrupted as big oak front doors swung open and a set of twins ran to greet her.
“Mommy!! Take us to the new movie you did!! It comes out tonight Carla said. She’s cranky, too. Won’t let me play with her dolls,” Juliet told her.
Romeo was not to be outdone by his twin sister. He attempted to shout over her.
“I want to play with the president’s dog when he comes to visit us. Will he bring him? I drew a picture at school today. It’s of a space ship. Want to see it?”
Lilly just smiled at them. Other people may be annoyed by the ramblings of 5-year-old twins vying for attention, but she never was. She simply told Juliet no, she would not take her to see the movie, it was for grown ups, and yes, Romeo, she would like to see the picture so she could hang it up in the rec room on the art wall.
The twins were happy with these answers and ran off to play. Lilly went up the stairs after them, hoping to find Rose, Carla, and David. Brad and David were on the music room floor putting together a model plane. A slew of them hung above their heads, but they had insisted one more was needed. Rose was in her room studying, determined to keep up her A average. In her own room Carla was playing with the aforementioned dolls. Since they were all quiet, Lilly decided to check on the plans for the trip to England.
On the balcony facing the back of the house she sat down and flipped open her planner. When they hit England the first thing to do was to set up the palace for her guests. She’d sent instructions, but it never hurt to double check things herself. The servants would also have to be reminded that since it was the president of the US, who was a family friend, visiting that they could still call the family by first names and not your royal highness. Protocol was protocol, but as long as it was just family and friends, there was no way Lilly and Brad would stand for all the stuffiness the rest of the royal family insisted upon. The garden was lovely just starting to bloom. And the water from the small falls was

Amelia parked the car and walked into the building using her passkey. Once she got to the unit she immediately went to talk to Pat.
“Hey. Meredith was telling me on Friday she thought she might cut when she went home to visit. She promised to call one of the staff if she felt like it though. But I’m sure you read that in the log. So how is she?”
Pat just looked at her and shook his head. “Em, she did call. But it was while she was cutting. We had to go and pick her up. She’s up in the hospital now. Said she wanted to talk to you as soon as you got here. And something about still wants the fake stuff despite the real stuff. What’s with that?”
“The fake blood she uses when she feels like cutting. Guess it didn’t help this time. I have some more for her. I’ll go up now. Besides that was the weekend calm? Or was it as rough as usual?”
“Johnny tried to run away. Again. He didn’t get far. Just down the hill. We got him though. He’s currently not allowed to go anywhere. Other than that, we had a good weekend. The other houses did too. Crap. 10 already. I got to go. Promised Sue a session during her science class. She promised not to just stare at me if I agreed to this. So for some reason I did. Tell Mer I said hi. See you later.”
Amelia waved good-bye quickly and then headed for the door to the hall. She swiped the passkey at the door then ran up the stairs to the second floor and swiped her key at that door also. Working in a hospital for teenagers who had various mental illnesses meant most doors were kept locked. She worked in the long term units though, called the houses, where less were locked, but anything going up to the acute care units meant every single door required the use of a key.
At the southeast unit she asked for Meredith and found out she was in group. This meant going to the other side of the building where groups, school classes, art rooms, and gym were housed. Once she was there she pulled Mer out and took her into a nearby session room. After giving her a hug and saying she was glad Mer was still alive and only cut, Amelia got to the main topic.
“Hon, why don’t you show me your arms? I talked to Pat but he didn’t tell me how bad it is.”
Meredith pulled up her sleeves and held out her arms. The left one was the only one cut up. What Amelia saw shocked her. Deep gashes were cut into the young girl’s arm. They were red and lumped up. Amelia’s head clouded over at the sight.

She just wanted the pain to end. No matter what she did everything went wrong and got worse. Everyday found her in tears. She wanted to scream, hit things, break things. Anything to make people understand. But they never did. Some people tried. But in the end everything was ruined. Sometimes she felt happy. It never lasted long. When it did, things just ended up worse. It got so she was afraid of being happy. Sometimes her thoughts and feeling confused her so much she began to think they weren’t real or that she was making them up. Thoughts clouded her mind. Rambling running colliding. Sometimes she wrote poetry. It made her feel better. It was also a desperate cry to anyone who would read it to understand her and to somehow help. But there was no way to help her. Only a matter of time before something bad happened. Or was it really that bad? How could something that would fix her life be bad? It couldn’t could it? Of course not. There was no way. And no one would know. They wouldn’t care anyway. Would they? Would she know what was happening? Or would things get mixed up? How bad could it be then what was going on now? It couldn’t. No way.

This movie was a typical one. It took place in the 1800’s. She played the daughter of a wealthy Boston merchant. The man she loved was only a fisherman though. Her father forbade her to see him and demanded she marry an English lord. And the story went from there.
It may be typical in plot, but she loved the scenery, the clothes, the jewelry, and also the fact that her leading man was played by Brad. No way would this one be a flop. Not with Lilly and Brad Grier in the title roles. They were America’s, and England’s, sweethearts. Never before had royalty been in the biz. But they weren’t the usual royalty. Lilly had married the prince who was heir to the throne. Soon after their marriage they became king and queen. Everything was happy; they had twins and a son, Gloriana and Diana, and David. But soon after David was born, the prince who had become the beloved king, was killed in a freak water polo accident. After that, Lilly found she still loved her second husband who she had divorced a few years before, Brad Grier. They were married again, and the twins from her first marriage, Romeo and Juliet, and the two adopted daughters, also from the first marriage, Rose and Carla, along with Diana, Gloriana, and David, all settled into having Brad in their lives, again.
The family moved between the States and England thought the year as jobs and royal duties called for. None of the family minded though. During the school year the children were kept in one place so they could attend public school. It was hectic but it was life. Everyone was happy so why change it?
After the first scene was shot it was back to the set of the weekly TV series Brad and Lilly starred in. Today was a scene with the group arguing over whether Will was evil or not. As it became a one-take deal, other scenes were shot and Lilly then headed home.
******************************************************************
Seeing all those cuts on Mer’s arm had really upset Amelia. So much in fact that she had told everyone she had a bit of the flu and headed home.
For months now things had been building up in Amelia’s life. Nothing seemed to go right. Seeing the cuts had hit her hard. It reminded her too much of something else. At home she went to sleep and slept all day. That night she called up one of her friends. They listened to her troubles but as usual didn’t seem to understand completely. Not that she could blame them. Sometimes she just wanted to yell at them and say stuff, not because of them. But because she just got so upset with stuff. With her life. With herself. With everything. Sometimes she just wanted it to end.

Damnit. She was having weird thoughts again. Everything getting mixed up. Why did this happen? She used to be able to figure it out. But not for months now. She was only 29 years old and already she felt as though her life was finished. After the hell of her high school years she’d suffered through college and graduate school. Lotta good that had done. Nothing was right in her life. She wished she had ended everything years ago in 9 grade. THAT would have been smart. But since when was SHE smart?? Ha. Never had been, wasn’t and never would be.

What does time do but mock us and eventually end? Nothing…
******************************************************************
Amelia called off of work for a month. She didn’t feel like going in. She was sick, again. Seemed she was always sick lately. Seb was happy to have her there. At least someone was happy to have her around. When she was sick it seemed everyone was happy to be rid of her. Who wants a sick person around? They may catch it. And that. Would suck. Besides, she might end up spreading her own suffering to them. She never knew if it would happen, so locked up she stayed. If Amelia had her way, it would be gone soon anyway. So who cared if she was away from everything for now? Her mind was there to occupy her.

Sometimes she thought it would be better to just go insane. Simply sit all day in some room somewhere not knowing what was going on. Happily making up her own world in her head and living in it all the time. Sometimes, ignorance did seem like it would be bliss.

Everything got so hectic before they traveled. Things had to be packed, plans made, the house taken care of. But Lilly would give up the traveling between England and the US for nothing. Both places meant too much to her. She blasted music as she packed things up. Lilly was a queen who was known for loving music.
She was also known for not being as uptight as the last queen. She and Brad had changed the monarchy a lot in the past years. No longer was there a thought of doing away with it. The House of Grier was a house loved by all.

During the day Amelia got bored sometimes. Despite the boredom she still refused to go to work for a second month, not wanting anyone to see her sick. What good was she to the kids if she was sick? None at all. No one from work really knew what was going on. She wanted it that way.
She spent her days writing, watching TV, listening to music, reading, talking to friends, and playing with Seb. Everyone might be upset that she was sick, but Seb sure didn’t seem to be. He loved the attention.

Time changes, and so does life. Nothing stays the same. Things can be gone in the blink of an eye. Too bad no one can ever keep from blinking…

Ruth sat and looked out at the world from her eyes. Everything seemed such a mess. On one hand, things were great. But come on, how real was that? On the other it was hell. Still on the other non-existent hand lay whatever was in-between. The part that was the most confusing and came when things weren’t good or hell, just simply WERE. It was great to be able to think straight like this. Too bad this clear thinking and mind were rare. Oh well. What could she do about it?

Hell. That’s what it was. Her own personal hell. Life was such a joke. Why didn’t she just put an end to it? Stupid thing, life. Stupid, stupid thing. Her own was a waste and she wished like crazy it would just go away. How great it would be for everything to just stop and be gone. Wishes were great things.

The grass at the palace was so green. The staff was always so happy to see the family. They loved the children and the king and queen were so nice. Half the time they insisted on doing the work for themselves anyway.
Lilly was wandering the gardens picking a bouquet of flowers. She loved the scent of roses and the white of baby’s breath. When she was home flowers could be found throughout the palace. She looked up at the clouds and started imagining what they looked like. She wished she could touch one of them, they were so fluffy and white. Wishes were great things.
******************************************************************
Amelia sat and thought about her past. Lately memories seemed to overwhelm her. Anything could send her thinking of the past and reliving it when she was sick. She wished the memories wouldn’t come back, that her illness would end. Wishes were great things.

Ruth knew what was happening. She knew it. She saw it. She felt it. She wished she could stop it. Wishes were great things.

See? You blinked…
******************************************************************
Don't look for me for I'm not here.
Don't cry for me for I am gone.
Don't wish for things to change for they are as they are.
Let me go.
Let me bleed.
Let me give up.
Let me disappear.
Let me be gone.
Let me be free.
I'm already dead,
find a new friend.
By: Ruth

Amelia looked at the poems she had just written, crammed together and simply signed with her pen name. She put them onto the table beside her. Ruth was such a good pen name. She had come up with it years ago.
She began once again to revert into the world in her mind. The world of Lilly Grier.

Even thoughts of her dream world didn’t last long anymore. She always ended up thinking the crazy thoughts. Everything together. She thought of her friends, her family, and her past. And how she would stop from feeling any pain ever again.

Amelia went and tracked down the object she had put in the drawer the other day. The one she had wanted to keep Seb from. It was a razor blade, sharp and shiny. She also grabbed a few bottles of pills and then headed to her room.
Her friends were happy to hear from her. She sounded better for once. They knew she hated being sick. Being sick meant her thoughts got all mixed up. Every now and then she’d have random thoughts that didn’t even seem to fit anywhere. Sometimes she seemed to think clearly, but never for long. The world in her head was something she never talked about much, but they knew it was there. She’d never told them her name was Lilly Grier in that world.
Before they hung up the phone everyone said how happy they were she sounded a bit better. They knew she’d been crying a lot lately, that she was often upset and depressed, feeling confused and hopeless. All her friends knew sometimes she just wanted to end it all, but they always wished she would hold on just a bit longer, hoping she’d get better. Wishes are not always fulfilled.

What is a wish anyway? It’s a hope, a dream. It’s not reality. Nor is it likely ever to come true…

Hell. That’s what Amelia’s life was. For years now she had suffered. These past few months had been the worst. For some odd reason she had always thought things would get better. They never did and so she had simply given up on life, on hope, on dreams, on everything. The cutting had started again, worse then ever before. It had gone on for years, with a few periods of cut free arms, but not long. It had shocked her to see Mer’s arms, they looked like her own. It was at that point she had finally given in and began to set things up for her own demise. And tonight, well tonight was the night where wishes ended, and dreams died.
Amelia sat down and wrote her last letter to everyone. Someone would find it when they found her.

Dear Everyone,
Life is such a crazy thing. I’ve lived mine much longer then I should have. I tried. I really did. I’m so happy you all were there for me. You never gave up no matter how bad I got. Always there to listen, to try to help. That has meant so much to me. I always felt bad taking up your time. I wished I could help you guys, but instead I was always in need of help myself. I tired to help. Maybe every now and then I got it right. But at this point my life has become something I just can’t handle. Nothing is clear anymore, and everything had just gotten worse and worse, never better. I know you all will miss me, but I know you will still go on. You have all always been stronger then me whether you see it or not. Each of you had a certain calm to your lives, and a wish to live. I strived for that, wished for it, but never found it. Please don’t think I’m weak, or that I’ve given up on you. I haven’t. My time has just come sooner then yours, and differently then yours will. It’s with a sense of calm that I never had with my life, that I face my death. Fear of what is to come outweighs fear for what my life would be like if I stayed. I just can’t take anymore pain and hurt. So it’s time to go. I love you all. I’ll still be around even though you can’t see me, for as long as you don’t forget me I’ll live on in your hearts.
Always,
Amelia

The thing about time is that it always ends…
******************************************************************

Lilly knew the end had come. This world was one that had never really existed besides in hopes and dreams. She wasn’t really Lilly. She was truly Amelia.

She knew what she had just done. She had ended it. Everything was gone now. Finally over. No more pain. For once, she, Amelia, was happy.

Ruth hoped that everyone wouldn’t forget about her, but also that they would go on with their lives. She had so many hopes for them and none for herself. Her life was a dream, a dream that was more a nightmare. And finally the nightmare had ended. The fighting to wake up, the pain, the hurting everyone, was over.
The name Ruth meant so much to her; it’s meaning could never truly be spoken or put into the correct words. She hoped the name Ruth would be put somewhere on her gravestone instead of simply Amelia.

She laid the letter down on top of the poems and took out the razor blade and pills. Slowly she cut deep gashes in her arms and hands, and then swallowed all the pills. Darkness over came her as she slowly sank to the ground. And finally Amelia was at peace.

When time and wishes end, other people are left behind with their own thoughts. Rarely are they able to speak them. But they are there…

“I never completely understood why Amelia felt as she did. To all her friends she was not horrible, and should live a life of happiness. In our minds, she helped and never hurt. But Amelia felt differently. She often spoke of all the thoughts that ran through her mind. Truthfully, we never thought she’d go through with her own death. She spoke of it, but we always thought there would be one more day and somehow she’s snap out of it. Not that it was something you could just snap out of.
To her her achievements were never enough. They were failures. She touched lives, but never saw it. Amelia went through a lot. She even managed to become the therapist she had always dreamed of being, helping teenagers who had lives much as her own had been. But even with that things got to her in the end. You can’t live without faith, without hope, without the will to live. Amelia lost that faith, that hope, and that will. She gave up. And now instead of being with us, she is somewhere else. Her casket lies before us with her body, but she is gone. Hopefully she is finally at peace. With herself, with her past. and with her life. Hopefully, she is in a truly better place. Now we must say good bye to a dear friend, and hope what she tried to teach us will not be lost.”

The casket was lowered slowly into the ground. The rain mixed with the tears. Dirt was poured in, covering the lid. Amelia was now truly gone. People slowly left. Seb was taken to another home. Over time, the flowers wilted and were removed. Her job was taken over by someone else. Tears became less, thoughts of her fewer. Laughter and happiness filled the lives of those left behind. Every now and then she would be remembered, with a pang of loss. Hers was a book that was finished sooner then those around her had thought it would be. Wishes and hope was what they held on to for her to live. Wishes are a great thing. But they are just that…wishes.